On Being Judgmental: Part 3

Dear readers,

This is the third in my series of blogs about judgmentalism. So far I’ve presented a definition of this type of judgment that I have found very useful, which is:

A judgment is a thought form that is attached to the thinker and held in place by emotional material.

In Part 1, I elaborated on this definition and how it can apply to one’s everyday life.  In Part 2, I presented a way to work through this stuck emotional material through vibration; namely, movement and sound. In Part 3, I’ll describe some other ways of working with our emotional blocks using self-compassion and self-empathy. 

The first approach, derived from my study of Nonviolent Communication, or NVC, is an exercise in self-empathy which uses detailed lists, a list of feelings and a list of needs. While this may sound elementary, I have found that people often are not fully aware of their feelings and needs in a given situation, and using these lists as guideposts can open doors into oneself . Sometimes the results are surprising and often very moving.

First you explore what feelings are present in you when dealing with a given situation or person. You may find a surprising number of feelings all going on at one time. You can then list the feelings and reflect on them, giving them space. You then try to get a sense of which feeling(s) is most prominent. Take your time.  Let it breathe. Already this begins to shift something.

Next, you look over these dominant feelings and turn to your other list, the list of needs. You want to identify the need(s) that is behind the feelings. In NVC, needs are considered not only good, but beautiful and universal. They are the key to growth and fulfillment. Once you identify your needs, you again try to identify the need that is strongest right now, the thing you are most longing for, the thing that most matters to you in this situation. You allow time and space for this exploration.

The next part of the process is known in NVC as “dwelling in the beauty of the need”.  This is done by meditating on your beautiful need, remembering a time or an occasion when that need was truly met for you. It might have been a time with someone who loved you, expressed belief in you, made you feel safe, treated you respectfully, inspired and encouraged you, soothed you, or some other very positive experience. You then continue to meditate on what it felt like to have this need met. (If you can’t bring to mind any memory, you may need to visualize this need being met, but most of the time you can find an example if you patiently search your mind). You meditate on the beauty of that need being met until you can feel yourself being filled with a quality of positive energy throughout your body, mind, and spirit.

Another stage of this process that usually comes up is called “mourning the unmet need”, in which you may feel great sorrow. You can feel and acknowledge this grief without having to blame or judge anyone. 

You are just grieving for yourself in a loving way.

Finally, when you have completed all these steps, you can make a request, either of yourself or someone else, a request that may help you honor and possibly meet that need. This description is just a brief summary of a process that is profound and powerful and which my clients and I often find effective for moving through negative feeling states.

For more on NVC‘s perspective on empathy toward self and others, I recommend An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication by its founder, Marshall Rosenberg.  This book contains, among its many wise offerings, those detailed lists of feelings and needs.  Regardless of how many years I have been studying NVC, I keep those lists very handy. They have no expiration date, but remain valuable and relevant.  Also, if you feel you would like support and accompaniment in this process, feel free to call me and request a session.  I love this work. 

Another self compassion exercise I’ve learned for working through emotional blocks comes from the work of Tara Brach and the process she calls “RAIN”.  You can find an introduction here.

This concludes our 3-part series, On Being Judgmental, although there is much more to explore. I hope it proves useful and shakes up your energy in a positive and a liberating way. My goal in this blog is to pass on some of what I’ve learned through my years of working with so many people who have blessed me with their trust, their honesty, their determination to heal, and the love deep within them that keeps them searching. They are powerful examples to me and to others.

Thank you, dear readers. I’ll meet you here next time.